Saturday, November 8, 2008

not out of any necessity

Today i ran for twenty five minutes. Can you believe it?

Actually I was about to stop in the middle of my third lap around gimghoul, but then T.I.'s "You can have whatever you like" came on Abby's ipod shuffle, and T.I. got me through.

Anyways, I have been thinking a lot about art recently and how it brings dignity to the human experience.

When I was being trained in and working my first ten hour shift at memorial it was before an Andrew Bird gig. Andrew Bird was having a tech rehearsal, so while I did trivial, menial things like sweep backstage and learn how to use power tools properly he was playing music. Maybe I was just imagining that my life had a soundtrack, but my existance seemed much more significant in those moments. There is something about creating beauty just for the sake of the enjoyment that will come from the result and not out of any neccessity- I think it shows us that we have worth.

About two or three weeks ago I decided to go look for leaves and stitch them into designs and put them up around the room. Not because Abby and I need them in the room but just because I thought they were bright and beautiful and I wanted us to see them on a regular basis. (Now, however, they are old and crumpled and really need to be taken down. Luckily that didn't happen in the case of Andrew Bird's music.)

On other fronts, it has been a strange week, with vestiges of the past coming up again. It is good to be reminded of what has been and to realize that what had meaning once has not lost its meaning, it only holds less of an urgency.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The whole point of henna

Today mum and I went to West End Bakery for an hour or so between our schedules. We decided to split a cinnamon roll. I am utterly unable to eat a cinnamon roll just by biting into it like a dinner roll-- I like to slowly unwind and eat the coil. When mum and I sat down I just assumed that she would saw it in two with a knife and hand me half but instead we took turns pinching off several inches of the wound dough. We are similar in more ways than I think.

Today was good- I went to Brooke's and she and Grace and Julia and I ate and drank tea and ran around in the forest playing pop psychology games. I love pop psychology.

There is one exercise where you have to say your favorite color, favorite animal, and favorite body of water, and give three words to explain why for each of them. (If you do this and tell me what they are I will tell you what it means. It is most interesting, so if you read this please do and get back to me).

I picked
Brown: because it is earthy, exotic, and yet very plain at the same time.
Killer whales/orcas: because they are so smooth, and because they are playful, but yet seem wise at the same time.
The Irish Sea: Because it is stark, and cold, and in a way very spiritual.

I also went crazy with henna tonight, but it appears that the henna I bought doesn't dye skin very well. The whole point of henna is to dye skin.

I feel at the intersection of many things. Today, being in Fairview, standing in the parking lot of the Ingles, waiting for my mom to come pick me up, I felt dropped back down into this place. I do love a lot of it, but I feel like an anachronism. I am some character who shows up in the poem to jolt the reader, because I shouldn't really be here at all.

Today, at that coffee shop, I was talking to my mother about how God seems to work a certain theme in my life--namely that of my life not going smoothly, not working. My path just doesn't seem to fold out neatly and beautifully before me. I don't get the exclusive scholarships. I don't get great jobs. I wind up as a nanny for violent children. I spill water on my computer and I spill all types of food on my shirt and I buy henna that doesn't actually dye anything.

In response to all of this, my mother pointed out that very few peoples' lives actually work, and that no one ever related to people, connected with people, over being success stories. People usually connect over pain. And being successful would only isolate me and cause people to feel pressure to emulate me, not to talk to me about things.

She had some good points.

I'm hungry and want a cinnamon roll. I also wish my henna designs would stay on my body. I also kind of want to go to sleep, so goodnight.

Monday, September 15, 2008

if McCain is elected and-God forbid- dies of one of many possible health complications

I know blogs are a cliched place to vent about politics but I can't focus on my reading right now for class tomorrow. I have to get this out.

I am just adjusting to the idea of perhaps living in the US for a while after graduation. I don't know if I can if McCain and Palin get elected. No, I won't move to Canada, but I may have to move somewhere. I'm not saying that Obama will save America or the world or that he is Jesus or even Mother Theresa. But kids, pay attention to the news.

Palin has only had her passport since 2006. Yes, that means the first time she even left the country was two years ago.

And this woman will the president of the most powerful and influential nation in the world if McCain is elected and -God forbid- dies of one of many possible health complictions? She will be the commander-in-chief of the army of a country that has proportionally ten times the military spending of any other country? Really?

In the words of willmill, oh my chitty chitty bang bang.

Bringing up the possibility of death is not intended as agism against McCain. Trust me, if these two are elected I will be praying daily for the man's health. I just feel we need to think rationally about this.

You are killing me, American public. You're killing me.

Friday, May 9, 2008

don't we all

Because you are the faithful ones, I wanted you to know the address to my travel blog first: . I will defo post on that one this summer and I may post on this one some too. I have already posted on that one just for practice. It still needs some work.

Don't we all.

Good night my dears.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

contributing in a mildly obsene way

I'm posting!

I am very tired, despite the early hour. I spent all of today running around with Grandma, contributing in a mildly obsene way to the American economy just by buying clothes that I can wear in Egypt. A lot of what I bought from Goodwill is as ugly as h-i-e-l-l but apparently nearly every inch of my foreign body needs to be covered for the best results this summer.

Again, I am tired. And I have become anxious in the past few days about being couped up this summer. I don't know for sure that I will be but it seems likely that I will spend way more hours indoors than outdoors, paricularly in the evenings, and I will be in the same house for much of that time. I'm going to need a pretty interesting thought life, or at least tire myself out enough during the day that I just want to go to bed. That prosepect seems promising.

I did buy a camera! So there will be photos!

Autumn seems so far away, which makes me a little sad.

I am thinking about the idea of God, the idea that loving him is a virtue, the idea that leaving one's heart open for him is inherently good.

It is such a strange thing, that we trust a God and know him to be good. But ultimately there is something in me that feels deeply that there is someone much greater than me who delights in the earth and the creatures of the earth, who wants the things that have gone wrong to be set right. This idea resonates undeniably in me.

I think perhaps I am re-learning truths these days, one by one.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

hearts all over the world tonight

This post is for Giz, for protesting. And for Abby, for being.

I am, quite unashamedly, listening to "With you" by Chris Brown, and it is giving me immense proportions of joy. It also makes me think of Eric(U), which ties in directly with this joy.

I have been thinking about joy. I am struck by the word enjoy and how it essentially means taking joy in something. And then I am stuck by the fact that joy primarily comes from seeing the beauty and goodness of things and people outside myself. With these thoughts, joy doesn't seem so far off.

I spent Easter at my aunts with an aunt, an uncle, a sister, a couple of cousins, and the girlfriend of a cousin. I don't think I'll say much about it, except that at dinner we were discussing a friend whose new wife is a bit controlling. My cousin Adam jumped in to defend their relationship, saying,

"With all due respect, H----- women, present company included, can be quite controlling and forceful themselves."

What could we say, my aunt, my sister, myself?

I lied. I will say more. My aunt and I were talking about the word "feminism" and how so many people see it as this extreme irrational uber-liberal concept that no reasonable woman subscribes to. I'm a feminist. And I think a lot of the men and women who preface statements with "I'm not a feminist but..." are really feminists.


Today I really wanted to sing with my little sisters, particularly:

hold my hand all the way
every hour, every day
from here to the great unknown
take my hand, let me stand
where no one stands alone

But tonight, it is just me

and Chris Brown. Hey lil' mama..

Friday, January 4, 2008

for goodness sake stay inside

Today it snowed and wintery mixed and then just rained and rained. It was the type of morning that is perfectly described by Elizabeth Bishop's "Paris, 7 A.M."

Winter lives under a pigeon's wing, a dead wing with damp feathers.

It reminded me of two days ago, when I got up and Rachel took one look at me and said, "try the electric shower." There is nothing to be done on days such as today but take an electric shower and drink many cups of tea and for goodness sake stay inside.

Speaking of damp, I was researching a certain city which will remain namesless in a certain Arab country, and the article I was reading instructed,

"If you are a female, do not go out in public with wet hair. For some inexplicable reason, this indicates to everyone that you have just had sex."

I laughed out loud when I read that, it reminded me of a conversation that I had with Betsey and Abby the last time we met up before the break.

I am tired. Tomorrow I am cleaning and packing, meeting up with three different people in three different places, and child minding.

But then Sunday, Sunday will be lovely because it will only be church and then the rest of the day with my sisters, who, by the way, I generally like quite a lot.

But now, now eight blessed hours of sleep.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

my active lifestyle


...i have done today.

---but before I say anything else, a million happy birthdays to brittany lorraine.---

1) Minded Tadhg, took him on a walk in the bitter bitter cold to see the ducks near our house.

3) Said goodbye to my own sweet and horribly bad dog, who I have no garuntee of ever seeing again.

2) Took the Christmas tree out to the front garden. In the process, I tipped over the base and spilled water everywhere. I was forced to respond with "f--- you" to Abby when she gleefully ran to the middle of the circle of pine needles in our living room and yelled "I am protected in the center of the circle!"

3) I had to swear again when I knocked over the rack of cds while hoovering. I hoovered the house and got up (almost all of) the dog hair and pine needles.

4) I finished Ezra Pound's early poems. These (poems) are funny things in general-- I can read thirty that I don't like or don't understand but then I read one that is crafted so that it says exactly what it means, it describes exactly right an experience. Then all is forgiven, all of poetry's past transgressions. I am a believer again.

5) I licked a whole cluster of grapes so Giz wouldn't eat it and I would get all of it.

6) I was demonstrating my stag leap to my sisters and mother (after my mother had also demonstrated hers from her cheerleading days) and I ripped my favourite jeans all along the crotch. What I sacrifice for my active lifestyle.

7) I witnessed my mother making the following statement (in mockery of me and my sisters) "I come from a homeschool community and they're all getting married so they can kiss."

8) I ate the best dinner ever-- the aforementioned mother's chicken pot pie.

9) I watched the Namesake with Abs and Giz and it made me very sad.

Now, I am sleepy.

Good night.